Love

If I have to live every day knowing that those few months we shared
were all I'd ever have, I gladly take them.

-Brad

Matt, my friend, a persistent ally.

Matt and my friendship is an odd beast. I think most people would look at Matt and I and suspect us of genuinely disliking each other, and I wouldn't discredit that opinion, BUT: Every few months, when the stars align just right, we sit down and really talk everything out. I think on those nights when everything plays out perfectly, Matt and I are perfect compliments to each other. We keep each other grounded. Just when I think I've lost all my traditional allies, there Matt is again. Too many people are confused by human nature, myself being caught in that trap quite a few too many times, but then we're there again, just two historians, watching others' lives play out, realizing the futility, taking amazing pleasure in ideas too abhorrently simplistic to even expand upon in such a forum. I've taken a look at my options, analyzed my perspective on life. I've selectively dipped my toes in many an ideological lake, attempted to take the best from each experience while also retaining the importance of reality. All you can do is smile, learn your lessons, never take anything too seriously, and realize you can never fight who you've become, you can only fight who you wish you were. 

Fancy talk wrapped in tattered cloth.

Don't be vague, be descriptive. I never really thought I would feel a jealousy this intense. I've always feared the idea of being alone. That persistent fear makes me a really hard person to deal with on a day to day basis. As much as I fear being alone, being accepted terrifies me even more. For the last 10 months I've tortured myself over a person. It was one of those things where I really had lost all hope in other people and then, like some over the top fairy tale, this girl just magically showed up in my life. Immediately I tried to overlook all the complications of her situation; irrationally disregarded all the obvious facts. I found this girl to be so intriguing, so beautiful in so many ways, I couldn't really express myself. She saw something in me that I hadn't seen in years, and it really made waking up and dragging myself out of bed worth it again. Things were too complicated though, I wanted too much from someone who was just too incapable of giving enough. Due to the circumstances of the situation I didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone about what was going on, hindsight's 20/20 but that lack of communication most likely had a lot to do with our eventual fallout. Even after  problems began to surface, I still hung onto that initial brightness, the initial happiness that I had felt when we met. I wrote off the bad feelings, the coldness and detachment I felt sometimes as my own lack of self-esteem; I tried to pretend that I knew how this whole thing worked, how relationships happen, the proper steps in caring for another person. I didn't just act like myself, I tried to act like I was supposed to. Eventually, the reality of the situation took hold. I was forced out of the plane without a parachute. Every night I feel like I'm finally getting over that last little bit of feeling, like the final splat of toothpaste at the end of the roll. Every morning I wake up just slightly less upset, and I really don't want to be angry, I don't want to be jealous. The hardest part, the thing that makes me grit my teeth and try to bare it, is watching her move on, and realizing it's probably the best thing for her. That, and realizing I'm too silly to not be alone for awhile.